Seriously!

I can wake up at 5am with every intent on sticking to my very detailed, laid out, black & white day planner, with my clothes laid out all the way down to accessories.. Have my timer going off as each hour gets closer to that first scheduled appointment of the day sticking to exactly what I am supposed to be doing.. THEN something will happen..

Anything really..

I will know its going to happen.. almost anticipate it.. A text.. bleep.. maybe need to check my email real quick before I leave and get back to 1000 then miss something important, the phone rings, its a problem someone needs immediate help with..

In fact, I can only remember a few times in my entire life that no interruption or distraction occurred and I would show up as scheduled..
I will be LATE arriving.. I know I will be LATE.. to which my husband (who is NEVER late) believes really comes off as arrogant & rude..
Ouch
Well, I hate feeling bad and guilty... I apologize to all in the past and those coming up in the future, this is just my life. I will not change, can't change, don't think I want to.. I would not be me any longer.. I would be incredibly stressed daily... That's not a great way to love my life. Not that others care because they are too stressed out because I am late.. That's probably where that 'arrogant' comment comes into play, huh?

I am not making excuses. In a perfect world I would have a maid, cook, driver, kids who cleaned up their bathrooms, rooms, who did not immediately need something (money, food, outfit, something lost they can't live without) or have all their cars parked behind me so I have to drag them out of bed to just to leave.. and Then I forget my phone but do not realize it till I get 2 miles away.. OR I answer the calls that start at 8am with important matters or issues others need help with and honestly, that's my job & priority.. Then there are texts, or something I need to write down on whatever slip of paper that I will not be able to find later that I will have to remember.. or find..
At almost 46, I just refuse to live my life by someone elses rules, times, demands, etc.. I work very very hard and have many things going on at one time.. and I am very good at that part.. Its this time management needed because others have to have it that is killing me... I could get everything done if I was ever able to forget a clock exists...

Maybe its the pace in which we live our lives and the daily demands others impose without meaning any harm to your perfectly laid out day planner.. That with each call, text or interruption throws off by 25+ minutes... Then its all blown apart and you are late for the rest of the day!

..And as stated above, I anticipate the calls, texts, emails that are urgent.. I enjoy helping put out the fires and helping others smooth out issues..
I do believe I would miss it if I had nothing to fight, argue or figure out..

What I do NOT need is a schedule.. I want freedom to do what I want when I want.. Is that unrealistic?
 I do not want time or a clock, and you just can't understand, I do not acknowledge time as many others with ADHD Extremest understand.. Oh yes, they know just what I am talking about... But those of you without this strange ADHD or ADD 'learning disability' or as some think this 'fake excuse that does not really exist' or how many truly believe, lazy, irresponsible, arrogant...
How about a compromise.. I will not expect you to fit or live by my non-conformist, unscheduled, chaotic lifestyle that I am sure would stress me out as much as yours stress me out.. And you ease up on the snide comments, judgement, comments of not trying or get up earlier.. whatever YOU believe would be the easy quick fix for those of us who just drive you crazy... That would fix everything...
or at least help...

If I could completely remove the guilt I carry for being imperfect in the eyes of so many, I would need to throw out the rigid schedules of appointments, those exact 'must be here at X time appointments", which I understand & honestly respect as other peoples' valuable time.. and I could go back to being creative, focusing on what I have going on.. and maybe adding some value to our organization, lives, marriage, relationships, etc...

Then I would not have to constantly carry around this 100 pound elephant on my back that many of you are now creating on the kids you are raising who are also the same way and should NOT have to fit into that one perfect group... Let each be themselves and give them the freedom of accepting that what makes people different.... It is horrible to grow up, as I have my entire life, not living up to others expectations, of others disappointment,, the punishment, then leading to the rebellion that of course this creates!
A lifetime of individuals believing that I am just incredibly rude, irresponsible, arrogant or worse, just not trying hard enough.. Many of you who have ADHD know exactly what I am talking about.. and for so many kids their young lives are starting out this way because the school system has not recognized the way some brains are wired differently.. How very sad! These kids, just like myself, are just as smart but treated as if they are bad because they cannot fit into the "normal societies expectations of learning and sitting in a boring room for hours."
And there goes self esteem.. Good news is many will toughen up and will make something great in their lives.. Go way beyond what others could have ever expected of them..

Then maybe one day they will be able to chose what their days will be like.. forget what time it is and get more done creatively than others who must stick to their exact schedules...

I guess by now, most who are waiting on me to show up for our next appointment already have in their heads that I have no respect for them or their valuable time and I am the one messing up their perfect day timers full of very important appointments.. I will try my best to be there.. You try your best to understand some are challenged by time management and unfortunately theres no magic pill, perfect training program, more discipline or respect for others that will change how my day has turned out so far...
So I apologize in advance, I will do the best I can and try to ignore the others as much as I hate to..

I wish others with these unrealistic expectations would understood that so many others have the same daily distractions.. You cannot change them, force them or beat it into them to change and be like you and everyone else...
So many have them are going through that now, you know who they are.... the different ones..

All I can ask is maybe be a little kinder and if you do not understand any of this, go learn about it on the 1,000,000 websites, books, etc...

These sweet kids and maybe some not so sweet by now who are already starting to rebel to defend themselves, they will have so many challenges for the rest of their entire lives because they have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. YOU do NOT outgrow it!

And its just not little boys in elementary school who are hyper... Its also adults.. many undiagnosed until later in life... When they are diagnosed, it blows them away! They will instantly think.. I am not weird, crazy or bad... I am great just being who I am..

So stop beating yourself up and give up trying to be perfect.. Ignore those who want to tell you that you should do better.. You will find some happiness, freedom & peace to just be YOU..

Its ok to lose your keys... who cares!

Tracy